I’m Back!

May 13, 2007

I’m bored.

It’s been a while since my last entry. Typically, this statement marks the decline and eventual abandonment of a blog. I’ve seen my share of such. I’m not one for trends though. While I’m not anti-trendy or such, I won’t follow a fad just because everyone else is doing it. And while generally, I find myself an exemplary specimen of the typical human when viewed as a whole, I’m going to diverge from the norm this one time.

Why? I’m upset. And annoyed. My little fight with a certain member of the PKFS is taking its toll, psychologically. I have an unpublished post, probably from after the new years wound down and the sheer magnitude of lion dances diminished. It had something to do with a story I heard. But more so, I titled it “The Green Snake” and wrote a little poem at the end:

青竹蛇兒口
黃蜂尾後針
兩般皆不毒
最毒婦人心

Which leads me to believe that I intended to write about a new development in the aforementioned fight with this certain PKFS member. At the moment, I’ve completely forgotten what I was going to write about. And since the title and poem are the only indications in the entire post that I was going to write about her, I’m not even going to try to remember.

It’s not really a fight; it’s really my fault. Though the truth is, if this ever ends and we ever make up, she’s going to insist it was her’s. Fuck her. This began by my hands, and I’d be a worse prick than Senior and Junior combined if I let her take any of the blame.

I can begin at the very beginning, but that’d take too much time. Instead, I’m going to begin at the beginning of the end. To put it simply, I did something I shouldn’t have: I violated her personal space against her will. And while reality was nowhere nearly as bad as what that previous statement could imply, it might as well have been. I apologized, sort of. And I tried to make amends. Sort of. She’s the type to hold a grudge, and even though many would say she overreacted, I think her response justified. Not that I tried very hard to make up with her. I have my pride, and I have my comfort zone. While I can put down my pride with a bit of effort, what I perceived to be her requirement for a sufficient apology clearly was beyond my comfort zone.

Anyway, in the intervening months, I treated her poorly, despite my poor standing with her. It wasn’t so much because she was mad at me and I wanted to somehow get back at her. It was that the things she did or did not do just because of my recommendation and her grudge against me, regardless of the consequences, that irked me to no end. It disgusts me when people let petty things get in the way of important matters. Regardless of my reasons, what I said and did was insult to injury, and only increased this debt I’ve been slowly accruing over this past year.

I made a last attempt at resolving things with her. In the end though, I think I managed only to push her farther away. That’s my failure. I only hope I’ll be able to make things right again. It’s ok with me if she’s going to remain mad at me for the rest of our lives. But I cannot let my apologies slide. And I’ve so far been unable to do it. I said earlier that I’m upset and annoyed. I’m upset that with every attempt at an apology, I’ve only managed to distance us further. I’m annoyed that I haven’t yet figured out how to approach this problem. But what I’m most upset and annoyed at is this foolish pride that’s keeping me from doing what I want to do.

What does this have to do with my return? Nothing. Everything. I don’t know. What I do know is that things will be picking up now that I’ll be able to train without being constantly dogged by these concerns. New years would have been far more fun had this shadow not darkened our time as a group. And to be able to, if only briefly, rid myself of this burden will be refreshing. Yes, Pug and Poodle will be gone for a good two weeks, while Hung will be gone for a month.

On a lighter note, I’ve been improving at a rate that surprises even me. I’ve also been injuring myself at a rate that’s rather annoying too. Regardless, I’m satisfied at where I’m headed. There’s far more for me, both in external and internal power, and in experience. When I sparred for the first time in SKFS some weeks ago, it was among the most rewarding experiences in the recent months. To say the least, sparring with them showed me exactly where I was in many respects, and exactly where and how I need to improve. The laundry list is long, and I get really excited just thinking about it.

The truth is, even before new years, I’ve felt rather nonchalant about training kung fu. I’ve learned more, but it seemed as though other aspects of my life were more worthy of my time. And so I neglected my training for a long time. As well, I neglected this blog. But now with this newfound direction, and these few weeks of freedom from my concerns, I plan to train hard, and get even farther than I have over the first five months of 2007.

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